Silent before Five

This is my story. This was my reality nobody else’s just mine. Just as I saw it thru my eyes and felt it thru every being in my body.  No one can take my story away from me.  I am watching my story from the theater in my mind now…

This little girl small, scrawny and innocent, it does not even seem like it is me. I don’t know this little girl but as one who is a stranger.  This is a darling little girl who needs my protection. But, I can’t protect her. She needed to be loved and to have a genuine self -love that can only be taught by loving self-assured parents. But, this little girl has nothing but herself. She is alone. A young girl alone and stranded in a place that is foreign to her. Can this be me?

Sunday K-Mart Trip

There is a small little girl standing in the corner, in a kitchen. She is being “punished”.  Her knees are shaking from fear.  She can see the road that leads to her home from the sliding door. She is scared. She is waiting for her “father” to come home. Her “father” who is supposed to spank her?  But she knows it is only mental punishment. She knows this even at this early age of four or maybe even five years old, her mother will be spanking her. Her mother is only stalling. Why stall? “Please get it over with…” she thinks.  I am amazed as I watch this little girl. I know that she is keenly aware that is it not him she should fear but it is her mother. Even though her mother walks around the house saying, “You wait until he gets home. You just wait. Don’t you move! ” She knows he won’t hit her. She knows it will be her.

He walks thru the door. Sits down in his recliner and kicks back. Her mother gets him a beer and he puts his boots up on the foot rest. “Silly, come take my boots off.” But she does not move from the corner. “You heard him,” her mother says with that more than familiar tone. This little girl walks slowly over to his chair, watching from the corners of her eyes to see if she will be hit or slapped before she reaches his chair.

“Tell him what you did! Tell him!” her mother yells. She looks quietly into her “father’s” eyes but she does not know what to say. She really does not know what she did? She tries to think thru the day but she is not sure what it was or when it was that she did something wrong that will eventually lead to a beating. She remembers taking pictures with her Mom in a photo booth at K-Mart. She remembers looking at those pictures in the van on her way home…”But, what did I do?” she tries to remember. “Why was it wrong to look at the pictures?” She is perplexed but she knows she better know clearly what to tell her “father” or her beating will be longer and harder. So quietly she whispers, “I took pictures from mommy’s purse.”

“That’s right you tell him. Tell him how Susan gave me the money for pictures. Then you embarrass me by taking them. Go get the belt and wet it.” The beatings began. For reasons she still cannot understand. But, she is young her mommy is older, her mommy must be right. She is a bad girl for taking the pictures out of her purse. She is bad.

Next Morning

“Does it hurt?” she whispered as she bathed her little girl.  “Well, you can stay home today from school. After your bath do you want to watch Mr. Green Jeans?”  Somehow she sensed her mommy’s regret and she felt sadness too. She knew she would feel love today. She knew her mommy would be sad and love her today because her mommy hurt her.

The Baby-Sitter

“You’re gonna get in trouble. You better hurry and pull up your panties. Your momma will be here soon.’’ he snickers. The baby sitter’s son crawled into bed with this little girl every night while her mommy worked at the nearby ice house. The fold out couch was this little girl’s make shift bedroom at a woman’s house that was named her “Godmother” while her mommy worked. Days past and every night he touched her and she did not say a word.

After her mom’s shift each morning the routine of being picked up meant more silence. She would be brought home so her mother could sleep. Never, could this little girl risk waking her mother or she would face rage. Silence was the only thing that could protect her.

Shut-Up

“Shut the fuck up. You hear me? Stop crying.” The little girl awoke from her deep sleep in a van that could only represent the ’70’s era with its blue cloth seats and shag carpet. From a distance she could see her mother crying in the passenger seat. It is night-time but the lights from the ice house shined brightly in the van confuse the little girl. “Is it morning?” she tilts her head up and saw the stars from the sun roof.

Her “father” slammed the driver’s side door and walked with anger into the ice house. Returning, he has a beer. “He’s drunk again,” thinks the little girl. She closes her eyes but she tries to stay awake. “If he hits my mommy, I am going to hit him.” All the way home the little girl pretends she is asleep so she can make sure her mommy is alright.

Even when her “father” carries “his” little girl into the house and carefully tucks her into bed she chooses not to go to sleep. She fights hard to stay awake so she can make sure her mommy is okay. Not for long the silence in the house allows her to drift into her own dreamland.

Thump. Thump. The little girl opens her sleepy eyes. “Are they dancing? Oh good my mommy and daddy are dancing. I want to dance. Wait, why is mommy’s elbow bleeding?” She quickly realizes her mommy is pushing her “father” off of her as he throws her against the hallway wall. It’s not dancing their fighting again.

“Get up honey, quickly. Get your clothes we are going to Uncle Johnny’s”. The little girl listens to her mommy and gets up. She follows her mommy into her parent’s room as instructed. “Tell your daddy goodbye, you are never going to see him again.” There lying in bed while her mommy packs is her “father”.

“Good-bye Daddy.” the little girls said sadly. She doesn’t know why he is not saying sorry to mommy and telling mommy not to leave. “You can take her but leave my son here. I will kill you if you take him.” Her “father” said but he passes out and her mommy keeps packing.

“Johnny drive. Hurry up before he wakes up.” Her mommy says in a panic. Her mommy’s brother always seemed to be there when they needed them. She liked her uncle. She wished she could live with her uncle. They had a nice house and they didn’t fight there. Maybe she thought this would be their chance.

The little girl in the back seat of her uncle’s car with her blankets doesn’t try to sleep. She wants to hear. She wants to know if everything is going to be okay. She sat in her seat in silence.

The Norm Punishments before Five Years Old:

She is not sure if she lied. Maybe she did. Maybe she just did something to make her mommy mad. She is confused but she does not say anything. These events are normal for her. Not understanding her wrong doing but the punishments just rotate.

Norm One:

“You lied to me. Get the soap.”

“Eat it, don’t you throw up or I will spank you! Stop gagging!” The hitting begins.

Norm Two:

“You lied to me! Eat these peppers!”

The little girl looks at the clock, 12:06 am. She is tired.

“Eat them, stop nodding off to sleep. Do you want a spanking? Sit up in that kitchen chair and eat another pepper. You are going to keep eating them until you tell me the truth.” The problem was the little girl was telling her mommy the truth.

Norm Three:

“Go stand in the corner. Are you leaning against the wall? Get over here.” She slaps the little girl. “Now go and stand in the corner and I don’t want to see you get out of the corner until I come home from work.” The little girl didn’t move. She peed in her panties and prayed her mommy wouldn’t see it when she came home.

Norm Four:

“Go get Daddy’s belt and wet it. You are going to get it.” She thinks this is her mommy’s favorite way to punish her.

This is the first time the little girls starts to not like her mommy.

Norm Five:

“Why didn’t you tell me your brother had a dirty diaper? Why didn’t you tell me! Answer me!” Diaper gets shoved in the girls face. The little girl feels the feces enter her mouth. The taste…the horrible taste floods her mind and down to the pit of her stomach. The little girl throws up and then her mommy washes her mouth out with soap.

Norm Six:

“You are going to sit in this closet until you get home. If you get out I am going to spank you. Get in there.” The little girl sits in the closet but when it is time to pee she opens the door and crawls on her belly to the bathroom. The window seals were low and she knew her mommy would see her even though she didn’t really know where her mommy was but why take chances?

“Pee fast.” the little girl thinks. “Oh my god, I hear a noise. Mommy is here.”  She runs back to the closet and shuts the door carefully but she still has not finished. She squats and tries to sit on her ankles trying to hold it in. But it’s not working. She goes to the back of the closet and moves her mommy shoe boxes and pees in the corner of the closet. She puts mommy’s shoe boxes back. Praying she won’t find it. Of course she will blame it on her dog, Pickles when she finds the spot.

This is the first time the little girl starts learning to lie to protect herself.

She waits for her mommy to come home in silence.

 

7 thoughts on “Silent before Five”

  1. Even through your pain and hardship… Darlene, my Godmother, you have always shown love and are love! You are Corinthians 13:4-13. Thank you for sharing your story as there will be many who are blessed from it. I love you!

  2. I just want you to know, I know the pain and confusion that has haunted you all these years. I see the dark ones laughing at you in the darkest corners, as the used to do to me. I remember the confusion of having a hand you can not play, because we were just kids dammit! I remember the claws of deception, digging into my flesh, that lied to me while I screamed for you, and I remember us saying we would never be like this when we grow up. And I am not either one of our parents now. If you are not hearing back from GOD you are not talking to Him clearly. I know who I am before the Divine and I having HIS favor, and anointing because of that. I talk to HIM daily. He didn’t forget about us,(when we were kids, I thought God did not hear our prayers) nor abandon us. What HE has done is given us an opportunity to see what few people can see, HIM. And certainly not through a “MAN”. GOD is here just talk to HIM. I am still a work in progress, but the only part that hurts me now, is the one that hurts you. Know this is an attack from the darker ones that seek to harvest your pain, guilt or whatever they can use to torture you and your processes you are doing to better yourself. I will never leave your side, and will always be in prayer for you. May GOD cover your home with HIS blessings, Understanding, HIS peace, and balance. I love you SIS!

    1. My dear brother, I am healed. I am not sad, nor feel wounded or abandon by God. I feel more at peace than ever before. Writing this story is not for me. My story is for people to witness that you can go thru hell and back and RISE. I am called by God with a high purpose and this will be the purpose. Not everyone in our family will understand but this is not for them. It is for those who need to know there is a world of healing and recovery from this silent world we lived within. I too talk to God daily and feel the energy of Grace, Power and Knowledge. All is well, the path we walked was with a purpose. Now it is time for me to execute this purpose. I love you brother and continue to pray for blessings to touch you and your family at every turn.

  3. Sweetie. There aren’t appropriate words to take away the pain you experienced. All I can say is thank GOD, you have the strength to push through these awful experiences and find out who you were intended to be. I admire and love your strength and courage. xoxo

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